Community is Not Customer Service

Your community does NOT have to feel like a party that you weren’t invited to.

In high school, I worked as a cater waitress at a fancy banquet hall. I mostly worked really high-end weddings, which meant I spent most weekends pretending to know what Chateaubriand was, fake smiling, and guessing what the first dance song the DJ would play (it was always J.Lo’s Let’s Get Loud).

There was a stark difference between how I felt when I was “on the floor” and when I was in the back. When working with guests, I felt stiff, anxious, and like I was in some type of fancy theater performance in my tuxedo. When I was in the back with the other servers and kitchen staff, I felt relaxed, funny, and like myself. Whenever I had been on the floor for too long, I would find an excuse to go to the back so that I could be myself again for a minute. I'd go to the bathroom, or to get water to refill, or go ask someone a question. I took any excuse to get out of the exhaustion of "customer service mode”.

It wasn’t just me. Even though the staff quarters were very humble, it was where everyone wanted to hang out. We’d mostly hang out in the basement sitting on crates and discarded furniture. Or in the really hot kitchen where everyone was yelling and laughing and playing music. For such a fancy building, it was surprising how basic everything was in the back. No marble floors, no tall ceilings, no temperature control. But it always felt better back there.

As a community leader, your community does NOT have to feel like a party that you weren’t invited to.

It can feel much more like a hot banquet hall kitchen where everyone is helping each other and laughing a little too loud. Your job is not to follow a customer service script, it’s to show up as yourself.

Here’s how community differs from customer service:

• Customer service is draining, community brings energy.

• Customer service implies a hierarchy of whose needs, opinions, and influence are more important. In community, your needs are equally important.

• Customer service is about the “customer is always right”. Community requires accountability and consequences.

• Customer service is meant to be perfect, community embraces imperfection.

• Customer service requires a mask, community is about building a place where masks come off.

A lot of us get burned out because we view running a community as a way to scale our people-pleasing tendencies.

We can end up exhausted by the increasing demands (that we often put on ourselves!).

If you’re finding yourself drained by your community, it could be a sign that it’s time to start thinking of yourself as part of the party, not just the staff.

Here are some ideas on how to do that:

• Ask your people for help. Need a Zoom co-host, feedback on a new landing page, more testimonials? Ask!

• When something doesn’t go as planned, be transparent and ask for support. Let your people be there for you.

• Bring your unrelated niche interests and experience into community conversations. You’re a full human and you don’t have to ignore that in the service of staying ‘on brand’.

• If you’re getting requests from members that take too much of your time, set a boundary and say no.

• Let your members get to know your pets and your kids. Pets and kids bring the correct amount of chaos into events.

The more you feel comfortable asking for what you need, showing up as yourself, and setting healthy boundaries, the more comfortable your members will feel. A more honest and playful environment will lead to more connection.

What are some ways you can bring less customer service vibes and more of yourself and your own needs into how you run your community?

BONUS: Here are some tips on how to get away with things if you’re a cater waiter:

• Always walk fast with something in your hands and managers will think you’re busy and leave you alone.

• If a buffet table has a skirt, that’s a great place to hide and eat an entire plate of food when you’re supposed to be working.

• To get a friend’s attention, throw a bread roll directly at their head.

• Get tight with the cooks and they’ll sometimes save you a whole brownie soufflé.

• When the boss is away, organize a food fight. (But then spend a week trying to clean chocolate syrup and raspberry sauce off your car).